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weekly chat

Weekly Chat

The weekly chat posts are intended for just that, chatting among each other. What are you currently watching? Reading? What actor/idol are you currently following? What are you looking forward to? Are you busy writing, creating art? Or did you have no time at all for anything, and are bemoaning that fact?

Whatever it is, talk to us about it here. Tell us what you liked or didn't like, and if you want to talk about spoilery things, please hide them under either of these codes:
or

(no subject)

( Homophobia )

(no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve got a 14-year-old son and 9-year-old twin daughters. My son lives primarily with his mom, but has always spent plenty of time at my place, and the kids are all quite close. But there is a real problem with how he treats one of his sisters. The two of them share many traits and are quite similar in disposition, and when things are good, they have a very sweet relationship. They’ll go on walks together and chat and laugh the whole time. They also really enjoy play-fighting—e.g., hitting each other with foam swords. But at other times, my son will relentlessly pick at his sister, teasing her for things like not being as good at video games as he is, or questioning her abilities in other ways. It’s unkind, and although she sometimes claps back or does her best to ignore him, more often it sends her into a rage.

I’ve talked to him about it repeatedly (and yelled at him about it), and he has said he has trouble controlling himself. Maybe that sounds like a cop-out, but having observed it so many times, I believe him. It seems like an impulse-control thing, like the comments pop into his head and are out of his mouth before he can stop them. We have a good amount of neurodivergence in our family, and I strongly suspect that, like the sister in question, he’s got ADHD. I’ve wanted to get him assessed, but his mom—with whom I have a good relationship—is resistant, and he hasn’t had any issues in school yet that would offer more reason to push for it. I’ll tell him to knock it off and he’ll be chastened, but then 30 seconds later he’s picking on his sister again. What do you think I should be trying to do here? Yelling obviously isn’t the answer, and I can tell my son is feeling demoralized. I feel like this is about their similar personalities to some extent, because he doesn’t have the same issue with his other sister. But even if that’s the case, I want him to stop cutting his sister down, because she adores him and I’m pretty sure he actually adores her too.

—Bro, Chill

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Current Mood: shocked

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Turnabout is Not Fair Play: Two From Ask a Manager

Content advisories: bodily fluids, nudiry, sexual harassment

( CEO being VERY INAPPROPRIATE; bodily fluids )

( Nudity and people should know better )

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Topic Tuesday - Failing Enthusiasm?

Welcome to Topic Tuesday! Right away I want to stress that discussion posts are always welcome to the community, you don't have to wait until a Topic Tuesday rolls around, and then maybe be disappointed by the current topic of discussion. Whenever you want to talk about something, please simply make a separate entry to this comm, no matter the week, the time, or the topic. All right? *g*

The topic I picked for today is Failing Enthusiasm?. This is another prompt that was suggested to me on a post I made on Bluesky, asking for ideas.

Quoting directly: Have you ever felt your enthusiasm for C-ent failing? How did it made you feel?

As usual, if you want to talk about spoilers, please use one of these codes to hide them.

or

More mostly useless advice!

DEAR HARRIETTE: As parents, I'm sure most of us have experienced a squabble or disagreement between our kids. I definitely have, but they're usually short-lived. Currently, two of my girls aren't speaking and haven't been for a few months. This all started because my older daughter made a joke about me owing her back pay because my younger daughter's college tuition was more expensive than hers. My younger daughter, who is usually quite docile, blew up at the comment. She called her older sister ungrateful, rude and spoiled. They argued like I've never seen before, and they haven't spoken since. I tried talking to my younger daughter about it, but she won't apologize. I don't think her sentiments were wrong; the joke was in poor taste. I think as a family we should never be so hostile toward each other. How do I get my girls back on track? -- Family Disagreement

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Harriette's advice here isn't bad, per se, it's just aggressively useless

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the years, my mom and I have struggled to forge the ideal smooth-sailing mother-daughter bond that other people have. We used to bump heads a lot. Now that we no longer bump heads, we just have a hard time connecting and enjoying each other. I want things to get better, but she often compares my relationship with her to the one I have with my dad. My dad and I are pretty playful together, and he's easy to talk to. I think my mom constantly mocking the dynamic I have with my dad is her version of banter or "breaking the ice," but I wish she would stop comparing so that she and I could find our own groove. How do I get her on the same page as me? -- Mommy Issues

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Wow, these people....

1. DEAR ABBY: My son is 20 and a senior in college. He's a baseball player and is about to ask the girl he's been dating for a year and a half to marry him. My wife and I don't get along with her at all. She has a myriad of health problems and takes eight prescriptions a day. Because of her conditions, she rarely has the energy to do anything but lie around when she comes to our house. She used to have a job packing groceries at a market, and she would frequently log 10 to 12 miles a day walking. She quit that job for a job at an ice cream shop where she does little walking.

We had a get-together at my other son's house, and she said she couldn't come because she was too tired. My wife sent my son a message saying, "Really? From scooping ice cream?" The girlfriend needed to use my son's phone and saw the message. Her feelings were hurt, and now she will have nothing to do with us. (They still expect us to pay for their wedding, and for gas and maintenance on his car to visit her parents almost daily.) We want to support our son, but we are over it with her. There is so much more I could tell you. Please help. -- DAD WHO'S OVER IT

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2. Dear Eric: My wife of 50 years told me that she no longer wants to live with me. I am currently living in our summer home with no friends or social contacts/networks. She has no interest in reconciling.

We didn't fight or argue, and I am at a loss as to what triggered her declaration. This has taken me totally by surprise. I thought we had a good marriage, with occasional ups and downs. There are no abuse, addiction or infidelity issues. I worked my whole life and am now retired. As soon as we had children, she was able to stay at home and lived comfortably raising our children and taking care of the household. The children have sided with their mom and won't speak to me. I think she has poisoned them against me, but don't see the gain in her doing that.

I am miserable. I am 74 with neurological mobility issues. I fear that I will fall, and no one will be around. Senior housing for me is too expensive and will deplete our planned retirement resources. We were counting on eventually selling our summer home to supplement our finances later in life. This is no longer possible as I am living in that house. This is not how I wanted the last chapters of my life to end.

I have had five sessions of therapy with no results. My therapist says I'm not at risk to myself or others and I am perpetually slightly depressed but not debilitated. Without more concrete information, he cannot help me. I am not a bad person, yet here I am.

– Totally Betrayed

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3. DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old son, "Ed," was clean-cut, into working out and staying healthy, watched his diet -- he even joined a gym and was going every week. Ed has been dating a girl, "Emily," who is the complete opposite. She's probably a hundred pounds overweight. She's also dirty, (when she comes here, there have been days she doesn't take a shower).

Twice I have found Emily's lingerie on the floor. Last week, she left a pair of her panties on the bathroom floor. I showed Ed and told him that was the SECOND time I had found her underwear (the first time I didn't say anything). I said, "You have to talk to Emily and tell her not to leave her underwear laying around."

I see a change in Ed. My son hasn't cut his hair in 2 1/2 years and he no longer appears to be as into working out. This is not who we are as a family. My husband and I are fit for our ages (60s) and by all standards clean and orderly. Should I say anything to Ed? I feel like Emily is changing who he is. -- NOT THE SAME IN THE EAST

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4. DEAR ABBY: Our 40-year-old son has become a full-fledged narcissist and blames us (his sister, her husband, my husband and me) for a family schism that has gone on for two years. He tells lies about us and keeps us from our granddaughter. Any attempt to contact him has been met with venomous, foul-mouthed texts in return.

Our son went through a nasty divorce and horrible custody proceeding, but we did our best to support him financially and emotionally during that time. He is now supposedly happily remarried, but he continues to deny us access to his daughter. We are heartbroken. This is not the way we raised him. Any suggestions? -- BAFFLED IN NORTH CAROLINA

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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I recently planned a weekend trip out of town, and we arranged for our children to stay with their aunt, my husband's sister, while we were away. We thought everything was going well until, halfway through our trip, we received a call from her saying that one of our kids had started acting out. She told us that she doesn't tolerate that kind of behavior in her home and insisted that we come pick him up immediately. I was shocked and honestly upset. I understand that our son can be a handful at times. He's going through a bit of a rebellious phase, but I feel like she overreacted. We trusted her to help us out, and instead of trying to manage the situation or even calling us for advice on how to calm him down, she made us cut our trip short and made us feel like we were being irresponsible parents for going away in the first place. Now there's tension between us, and I don't know how to approach this. Am I wrong for feeling like she could have handled things differently? -- Not Helpful

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Surprisingly good advice from Annie, I want to save it for posterity

Dear Annie: My sister "Kendra" and I are not very close and only communicate two to three times per year, mainly in emails. Kendra sold her home and moved out of state. Through our sibling, I heard that she listed her house high to begin with and had to come down on her price in the end but made a decent amount on it. I never commented on how much she made or didn't make on her old house; I felt that was absolutely none of my business. When she moved and posted pictures of her new house, I commented that I was happy for her.

Fast-forward to me selling my home a year or so later. After my home sold, the information on it went out to the various housing sites, incorrectly showing that it took a loss. We actually did make a nice profit on it. The information that went out was a typo and was corrected about four weeks later.

Kendra was quick to reach out in an email stating she saw online how much we sold for and was surprised at the extreme money loss we took. She then asked if it was a short sale or foreclosure and commented that we must have been very upset about it.

I feel this was none of her business, even if it was the right information. Am I overreacting that I feel it was quite rude for her to comment on my personal business? How should I reply back to her? -- Perplexed

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(no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Since I was young, I've found that I've always had strange anxiety-induced habits -- pulling at the edges of my hair, sucking my thumb, picking at scabs, etc. Over time, I'd find a solution, or I'd just sort of grow out of it. At present, I scratch the insides of my palms when I'm nervous, stressed or frustrated. I think I may do it at other times, but I haven't pinpointed all of the triggers. Lately, it's been out of control. I haven't been able to resolve this one, but I'm so ready to leave it behind. How do I find a lifetime solution for all these behavioral tics? -- Old Habits Die Hard

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(no subject)

My mother desperately wants grandchildren. I’m nearing 30 and have never wanted children; my partner feels the same way. We would both rather focus on our careers, and there are also some hereditary health conditions in our family — nothing life-threatening, but enough that we would rather not pass them on.

Despite knowing all this, my mother pressures us constantly. Every time I explain my position, she becomes distraught and insists I just don’t understand the joy a child would bring. She’s in poor physical and mental health, and these conversations quickly spiral into intense emotional distress. Any attempts at therapy have been flatly dismissed.

Now she’s saying that she’ll cut me out of her will if I don’t have a child. There’s not much money involved, but I worry that, if it comes to that, she might also cut off contact altogether. My sibling has already severed ties with my mother over her mental-health struggles. I want to keep my mother in my life, but I can’t stand the thought of this one issue dominating whatever time we have left together.

I’ve started to consider telling her I can’t have children because of fertility issues. That would be a lie, and I feel uneasy using something so many people genuinely struggle with as an excuse. Still, her fixation on grandchildren is seriously damaging our relationship. Should I lie to my mother to try to save our relationship, or keep telling the truth and watch things fall apart? — Name Withheld

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weekly chat

Weekly Chat

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wishlist wednesday

Wishlist Wednesday

Wishlist Wednesdays are intended as a catch-all for anything you'd like to ask for in a casual, low-stress setting. No need to create a separate entry to the comm (although you are always welcome to do that, too), just leave a comment with your request right here under this entry.

It can be anything. Are you looking for icons of a specific drama or actor? Do you need a beta for your fic? Do you want to know where to buy merchandise of something? You can ask for recs of any kind (fanfic, drama, novel, music, whatever), or even leave specific fic prompts that others might be able to fill. Or whatever else that you can think of. Right now we're still kinda experimenting with this format, after all.

Feel free to discuss wishes/requests in the comments. And if you want to fill a request, feel free to do so right in the comments, too, or make a separate entry to the comm.

And please also check out the previous entries!

Multiple wishes/requests are definitely all right, just post a new top level comment for each. It would make it easier for people who might be interested in helping you out. The only thing I'd suggest for now is that you hide possible spoilers in the usual ways:

or

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Nothing But You (2023)

Wu Lei and Zhou Yutong in Nothing But You

Nothing But You (愛情而已, literally "Nothing But Love") is a 2023 modern cdrama. It has 38 45-minute episodes.

What is it? It's a noona romance set in the world of sports: between Song Sanchuan, a professional badminton player who later switches to tennis (Wu Lei - you might know him from Nirvana in Fire, or maybe from Sand Sea), and Liang You'an, a sports company sales person/executive assistant (Zhou Yutong). He's 22, she's 32, and basically the whole obstacle to their relationship is that she thinks he's too young for her. That sustains the tension for a very long time indeed. :D I personally find both of them very cute (and I say that as someone who was indifferent to Wu Lei's looks before).

Is it a rec? Yes! Yesyesyesyes! It's so, so good. Much better than I'd expected.

Where to watch? You can watch it on Viki or Youtube. Make sure not to confuse it with the 2024 drama of the same (English) name.

Why should I watch it?

The romance is very cute and all the storylines are rewarding and well-paced. I love everything to do with the age difference and how it's handled.

Many of the main characters are women, and I feel like the story is definitely told from a female perspective. All the women are encouraged to stand up for themselves and follow their dreams.

The men aren't idiots either, though, which is just fun to watch. Of the secondary characters, I especially like Sanchuan's stepdad. He always has good advice (which doesn't always match Sanchuan's actual needs, but I love that too), and while I don't know the actor, I got the distinct impression that he must be a popular comedian.

There's not a single 'evil' character (minus one very short exception in one of the later eps). Every character has their own valid reasons for doing the things they do. Some of those are callous or misguided, but nowhere near as cliched as I'm used to from other dramas, and overall, most of the characters are just wonderful all around. That doesn't mean that it's all fluff all the time - they all have their trials, and the conflicts are treated with sincerity. All the developments feel well-earned and well-paced.

more details and more caps of the cute couple at my journal

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Heihua Exchange

I just posted about this in

dmbj_tombraiders, sign-ups have started! All official info posts run on Tumblr (heihua-exchange)

"Welcome to the Heihua Exchange, an an event dedicated to the pairing Xie Yuchen/Hei Xiazi from the 盗墓笔记 | Daomu Biji fandom. In this exchange, participants will be anonymously matched to create gifts for one another during a seven-week long creation period.

This exchange is open to all the DMBJ canons - books, movies, TV series, comics, donghua, etc. The gifts can be fic, art, video, podfic or some other form of creation you feel inspired to gift to your recipient, but all of it must be focused on the ship Xie Yuchen/Hei Xiazi."

Sign-up form on AO3

Current Mood: shocked

Ask a Manager: Two From The Same Column

Compare and Contrast.

( Employee's Husband Sent Us Revenge Porn )

( 4. Delivery person uses our lunchroom )

(no subject)

Dear Carolyn: A friend and colleague has been MIA at work and in our friend circle for weeks. She claims she hurt her back, is in pain and having procedures and and and… And this has her missing meetings and deadlines and happy hour and dropping all the balls. She has not told anyone exactly what happened with her back. She said she was doing some light housework when it just hurt all of a sudden, which sounds ridiculous to me and everyone else I know. We don’t know what “procedures” she has had. We don’t know when she will get back to normal. We’re not talking about an old person here; she is 43! I called her the other day and I could hear the TV on, during the workday, which she turned off or muted when she took my call.

I feel like she is lying or exaggerating to get out of work — while not taking formal leave or PTO, because we can work remotely — and she is blowing off her friends and colleagues while we pick up the slack for her at the office and make her excuses at social functions. How do I figure out what’s really going on with her, and get her to do her own work again so I don’t have to fill in for someone who is home watching TV while I’m busting my you-know-what?

— Busting My You-Know-What

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Carolyn Hax: Family disappointed in daughter for choosing science PhD over law

Dear Carolyn: My dad, uncle and grandfather are all lawyers, and I always thought I wanted to be one, too. Until I realized in college I was much more interested in science. I switched my major to microbiology and graduated with honors. Now I’m in my last year of my PhD program, but according to my dad, I’m a huge failure and a disappointment.

My younger cousin graduated from law school and joined the family law firm, and it’s all he can talk about. My mom said I shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up all those years I said I wanted to be a lawyer. They also are still complaining that my switching majors cost them extra tuition. It’s not like I pulled a deliberate bait-and-switch; I changed my mind.

When my dad asked what my plans were and I told him I’d be looking for a postdoc position, he said I was going to waste my life in academia and never make any real money.

I think most parents would be overjoyed their daughter is getting a doctorate, but mine act like I’m a dropout and a failure. There’s no way to make your parents supportive or proud of you, though, is there?

— Changed My Mind

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