azdak

From fishsanwitt: list ten fictional characters you would have sex with.

Okay, taking this to mean "ten fictional characters to get into whose knickers I would give my eye teeth" rather than ten fictional characters I wouldn't object to shagging were the opportunity to present itself (because otherwise the list would be, you know, endless). They seem to represent a fairly wide spectrum of (fictional) masculinity – I’m hard pressed to identify a type from the list, though it seems that a spot of emotional suffering does a candidate no harm. Taking them in chronological order of burgeoning lust, as experienced by me, first up we have:

Illya Kuryakin of The Man from UNCLE. Illya seems to have constituted a defining moment in the emerging sexuality of millions of women (and not just those d'un certain age, either - my OAP mother and my prepubescent daughters are all susceptible to his allure). I'm not quite sure what it is about him - maybe the fact that he projects a rare vulnerability, or maybe the fact that he gets chained to ceilings a lot. Either way, I used to write fanfic about him in my head when I was a teenager and I wrote real fanfic about him not so long ago. The guy has staying power.

Kerr Avon of Blakes 7. I thought he was just wonderful back in the day. The second time around I was somewhat taken aback by the ultra hammy performance of the actor who played him, but he remains the king of conflictedness. And he does look curiously good in black leather and studs which on anyone else is really, really not my thing. He'd have to be wearing the black leather, though, and definitely not the thigh-high boots {shudder}

Bodie of The Professionals. I'm sure Bodie's idea of showing me a good time wouldn't match up to mine, but however frustrating the experience, I'd still take him up any time he cared to make the offer. Macho to the core, and irritatingly aware of his own good looks, he still makes me salivate in a totally mindless way.

Macduff from Macbeth. Yeah, this one's bizarre. I mean, anyone with half a brain cell could see that rushing off to England and leaving his family unprotected might not be the very sensiblest course of action under the Macbeth regime. But he's so intensely miserable when he hears they've all been massacred, bless him. "What? All my pretty chickens and their dam, at one fell swoop?" As far as I'm concerned, Macbeth only works as a production if the very youngest, most handsome actor is cast as Macduff so I can overlook his idiocy on the grounds of (a) extreme youth and (by) extreme decorativeness. Otherwise, forget it.

Havelock Vetinari from the Discworld. The Patrician is my ideal man incarnate. He's so magnificently *in charge* and has such a fabulously dry sense of humour. And he's so very tall and very thin with such very blue eyes. I do my best to overlook the beard.

Captain Frederick Wentworth from Persuasion. My favourite Austen Love Interest. You can keep your Darcys and your Willoughbys, this is a man who sees women as human beings, who’s brave and clever and self-confident and witty, but has just enough flaws not be insufferable. I bet he’d be considerate and imaginative in bed too (after all, all the nice girls love a sailor). Besides, he glows. Not many male fictional characters do that, outside superhero comics.

Mephisto from Faust. The devil has all the best tunes, or at least all the best lines, and Mephisto’s are so wonderfully cynical, witty and on occasion crass that Faust doesn’t stand a chance in the charisma stakes. And you have to admire the cajones of someone willing to make a wager with the creator of the universe. He has that whole eternal torment thing going for him too, even if he’s completely incapable of giving a toss about anyone but himself. And God, of course. Hmm, Mephisto/God hateslash. The idea has potential.

Bunter from the Peter Wimsey series. I’m very fond of Lord Peter, but he’s self-evidently something of an acquired taste sexually (unless one happens to be a Viennese opera singer) whereas Bunter has pheremones to spare, as evidenced by his regular conquests of parlour maids in the line of duty. Besides, he’s a man of multiple hidden talents (why did we never get to see his music hall act??), and damn it, he really cares about His Lordship.

Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Like Avon, a man who can reconcile me to the potential sexiness of leather. Spike is sex on legs, but the real draw is his blatant, outrageously OTT emotionalism. As the Wendy Cope poem goes, "They say that men suffer as badly, as long. I worry, I worry, in case they are wrong". Oh they do, they do, or at least in Spike's case they do.

Katurian Katurian from the Pillowman. Whether played by David Tennant, Billy Crudup or Thomas Meczele (that's him in my icon, but you can't tell how damn pretty he is from that), Katurian is a darling. You have to love a man so dedicated to his art that faced with the threat of a horrible death, he can still tell his potential executioner his story sucks rocks:

Tupolski gestures to the chair. Katurian takes the final electrodes off, and sits in the chair.

Tupolski: So, do you want to hear my story?

Katurian: Yes.

Tupolski: Well, you wouldn't say no, would you?

Katurian: No.

Tupolski: No. Well, my story is called ... What's it called? It's called ... "The Story of the Little Deaf Boy on the Big Long Railroad Tracks. In China." (Pause.) What?

Katurian: What?

Tupolski: Don't you think that's a good title?

Katurian: I do think that's a good title, yes.

Tupolski: (pause) What do you really think? You have my permission to be entirely truthful, even if it hurts me.

Katurian: I think that’s probably about the worst title I ever heard. It’s got about two commas in it. You can’t have two commas in a title. You can’t have one comma in a title. It might even have a full stop in it, that title. That title’s almost insane.

Tupolski: (pause) Maybe it’s a title that’s just way ahead of its time.

Katurian: Maybe it is. Maybe terrible titles are way ahead of their time. Maybe that’ll be the new thing.

Tupolski: Maybe it will.

Katurian: I just think it’s a terrible idea.

Tupolski: We’ve established that! I’m taking back my permission to be entirely truthful now and you’re lucky you don’t get a fucking smack! (pause.) Okay. Where was I.

Katurian: Deaf boy, big long railroad tracks. (Pause.) Sorry.

The other thing about Katurian, of course, is that he’s so devoted to his handicapped brother that he even [spoiler] and then he finds out that [spoiler] and so he [spoiler]. God, the angst potential! It’s irresistible.