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It's been a while since I last posted any of these, but now that I am the proud owner of a DVD player, I've been able to watch the ones that didn't work on the computer.
The Finny Foot Affair
This had the barmiest science I've yet come across in UNCLE, which is saying a LOT. People produce differing quantities of aging antibodies, which is why some die of old age when they're a hundred and others when they're TWO??? And the box with the dead seal is decontaminated before letting Waverly near it, and yet NS and IK take off their helmets and sit right next to it in a sealed helicopter? Oh yes, and the coast of Norway is “between two hundred and a thousand miles away” from the Scottish islands? Riiiiiight. And here was me thinking ye canna change the laws o' physics. Despite the extended absence of Illya – what a waste of good bullet wound, using it just to keep him out of the story – this was an enjoyable romp. Baby Kurt Russell is very good, the kids laughed like drains when Napoleon got “tricked” out of a date with his mother, and I quite liked “Wrong century, Jack”.
Project Strigas
I'd been looking forward to this one and it didn't disappoint. Shatner is surprisingly charismatic as Donfield – he looks better out of Star Fleet uniform, and is also not yet paunchy. I said to the kids “You won't know who he is. He was Captain Kirk.” “Really?” they said impressed, “Who's Captain Kirk?” After that I didn't bother to mention Spock, though personally I got a kick out of seeing Nimoy playing someone very dim. When he turned up in his final scene, smoking and smiling, Natasha said “He's gay mummy, isn't he?” Illya as the goon cracking his knuckles was completely laughable – I can only assume it was the shock of the knock-out blow he'd managed to deliver from flat on the floor that gave him any credibility at all. I can't help noticing that UNCLE in its early days is frighteningly willing to intervene directly in the politics of individual nations – here they're removing an ambitious politburo type from the scene, in a kind of political character assassination. No wonder Waverly wasn't that fazed by the events of Terbuf.
Dove
I LOVED this one, despite the shocking absence of Illya. It was gorgeously shot, though credit should probably go to the lighting man, who did wonders with steam and fog machines. The scenes on the bridge were so evocative, they made me want to read Cold War MfU fic set in Cambridge, with the college walls blackened by centuries of pollution and spies sheltering from dreary East Anglian rain. Satine was wonderful. He came close to hitting my narrative kink for bad guys who find themselves temporarily aligned with good, though he was a bit too sympathetic to really qualify, but I loved it when he sliced through the tie and sent Napoleon tumbling into the river. And I loved the complex political web he was weaving, with shifting loyalties and temporary compromises, and underlying it all a genuine loyalty to his country and his dead premier. Great stuff.
Mad Mad Tea Party
The Innocent was kind of bizarre in this one – Natasha asked quite seriously “Is she mental?” But I got a total kick out of Hemingway, who is one of those faces you've seen in a thousand Disney films and you can't remember any of them [ETA Oh my God, I've just googled him and he was Max Detweiler in The Sound of Music! No wonder he seemed so familiar.] He's such a wrangler, I got bitten by a serious plot bunny imagining him and Waverly in a prisoner of war camp twenty years previously. Riley was intriguing too – made me wonder what turned him against UNCLE. I liked the fact that UNCLE's team of bomb disposal experts were competent enough to have found the bomb on their own, though Napoleon's cunning psychological ploy for uncovering the villain wouldn't have worked if the device had used a conventional timer. Is the episode the sole source of the moniker IK, or does he say it elsewhere as well?
Hong Kong Shilling
Nice opening shots of Hong Kong. I take it that enormous guy is the one who ends up as Jaws in the Bond film? I thought they made better use of him here – there were several several casual shots when my jaw dropped at just how huge he was. Heavenly had clearly taken the old adage about Ginger Rogers - that she could do everything Astaire could but backwards and in high heels – to heart: she silently tracked one of UNCLE's top agents, chased after a fast-moving garbage truck, dived from a bridge into a river and dragged out two semi-conscious men, all in six inch stilettos. And she gave Napoleon a run for his money on the libido front as well, even if the object of her desire was someone other than him. Illya as Mr Unpronounceable Name from Ulan Bator was very funny. I suspect that was the best disguise I'll ever see on the series, certainly the budget for rubber masks had been drastically curtailed by the time they did Abominable Snowman.
Foxes and Hounds
I didn't much like this one. I was supremely irritated by the sequence where Napoleon finds himself in a topsy turvey world where Del Floria's is no longer the entrance to UNCLE HQ and Illya is canoodling with one of the female staff. In the end I decided it wasn't actually happening but was a mettyfor for how disorientated Napoleon was at being assigned a pick-up job with absolutely no information to go on. Otherwise my blood pressure shot up at the sheer stupidity of the idea – this episode clearly falls into the “Waverly needs to use up this year's budget if he's to get the same amount next year” fiscal category, rather than the “Agents have to chip in out of their own pockets” situation of Her Master's Voice. I note that Napoleon refuses to pay for his taxi, which suggests that UNCLE's finances are currently in reasonable shape. I kind of felt sorry for the Innocent, but oh how I hated Napoleon's magical kiss of sexual awakening. We all groaned loudly while it went on and on interminably, until Mimi signalled us with her eyes that she'd finally got in touch with her inner slapper. On the other hand, the episode did have Victor Marton in it and he's quality.
J is for Judas
This was quite intriguing, in spite of a distinct lack of sparkle, simply because it was fun trying to work out who was double-crossing whom, and also because I've rarely seen an episode, not just of MfU but of anything at all, so full of nasty people. Mr T Senior was the unacceptable face of capitalism, but T Junior and Dawson were almost equally horrible (I really enjoyed Dawson being unbendingly rude and then shooting Illya's suspect ) and even the good guy was a real chip off the old block when it came to social niceties. I also grudgingly gave the episode a point because the secretary's “I lov-” turned out not to be unnecessarily unsubtle exposition but part of a Cunning Plan. Napoleon, I couldn't help noticing, was constantly adjusting his clothing and smoothing down his hair. When I finally get round to doing that MfU vid to “You're so vain” 90% of the clips will come from this one ep.
Do-It-Yourself Dreadful
I see this was written by Harlan Ellison. I've never read anything by him and now I won't bother to.
The Ultimate Computer
Hee – this was FUN. Illya is bursting with gleeful energy all through the episode, evidently glad to get away from his desk for a bit of manual labour (perhaps it's the Soviet in him coming out). I kept expecting that cigarette to play a more significant role given that he hung on to it even when he changed out of his Speedy Gonzalez disguise. Salty sounds exactly like Julie Andrews, and she appears to carry hair extensions around in her handbag - I can't see how else she managed to produce a beehive from out of nowhere when she wanted to look more feminine. I suppose sounding like Julie Andrews is a prerequisite for being a leading lady with moral fibre, but though there was an element of How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria in the way she learned to get in touch with her emotions, she managed to see through Napoleon before it was Too Late (thanks, Illya!). I think my favourite scene was the one where Napoleon is wandering round the computer room clutching a piece of paper, which inspires him to burst into a huge chunk of exposition in the guise of chatting up one of the female staff – it made absolutely no dramatic sense whatever. I wonder if Waverly also hadn't told Illya that he was going to get someone to sabotage the power station, since he hadn't mentioned this part of the plan to Napoleon? And was the agent who Illya jumped at the beginning also part of the Thrush set-up? The guy who raises his head in the corridor after Illya blows up the fake computer looked a bit like him. Wheels within wheels...
Green Opal
Zzzzz... zzzz.... Oh, I'm sorry, was that a plot point? I must have nodded off. Zzzz... zzzz... cheetah... zzz... drugs.... zzz... zzz marriage guidance therapy...snore... Oh, is it over? Still, I don't suppose I missed anything much.
See Paris and Die
Oh my, a Thrush cosh that actually leaves a mark for a change. I don't think I've seen anyone look quite so impressively bruised in the entire rest of the series. But duffing up Illya aside, this episode had many other virtues. I really liked Mary and especially the byplay between her and the romantic old French flic (“Ah, ze old story! Ze pretty girl and ze dangerous young criminal!”) and the look he gave her when she tripped him up. Napoleon is such a bastard in this one, sticking mustard and ketchup in Illya's sandwich and then grassing him up to Waverly about overlooking the diamonds. I like him when the evil side shows a bit. “I do not represent American foreign policy” - ha ha! Was that a touch of ironic political commentary? Knowing that Illya deliberately puts on those nerd glasses when he wants to look unattractive adds a certain frisson to that particular prop – I shall watch out for their appearances with that in mind from now on.
The Tigers Are Coming
Illya is very athletic in this one. He runs and jumps and climbs and swims and thumps people. Napoleon mostly lurks behind boxes, occasionally whacking someone over the head with the butt of a rifle. Illya also wears a shirt almost open to the waist which subsequently gets soaking wet and see-through
(leading to one of Napoleon's wonderful “How do you get so unkempt?” looks ), so I deduce that the script was either written by an Illya lech, or at the behest of the screenwriter's wife. It was entertaining, though I wish that the natives weren't viewed as quite so disposable – even the ones who help Our Heroes end up dead – and I'm not sure that any nation would wish to join an organisation named The World Congress for Un(der)developed Countries. It would be like wearing a badge that says “My country is improverished, illiterate and technologically backward”. However, I approve in principle of UNCLE giving aid and comfort to the underdogs rather than just battling Thrush. And I felt sorry for the goats, too.
Children's Day
Coo, this one's a bit pervy. The Thrush school is rather a good idea – I liked Illya looking at his gun after the boys attacked them, realising, I assume, that it was no use because he couldn't use it against children. It would have posed UNCLE a real dilemma if Thrush had ever got round to using the kids in the field, as demonstrated by the little gang of deadly choir boys, who were far too small and sweet to shoot at. But still, I really don't want to know what relationship the scriptwriters had with their mums to dream up this one. Also, the model train fetishist should have been kept more tightly under control.
Virtue
Yet another professional spinster who's in urgent need of a damn good rogering to turn her into a real woman. Been there, seen that, got the t-shirt. However, in a unique turn-up for the books, Napoleon doesn't fancy poor Alberte at all. Even though he's evidently still giving off his usual pheromones, since she's all over him in her spinsterish way and relieved to hear he's not married, he resolutely refuses to flirt with her, and the lines that would normally be intended to charm are delivered in a half-hearted stop-distracting-me-from-my job sort of way. And when he remembers about Illya at the end, in what would normally be a humorous interruption to a Napoleon-smooching-on-the-job situation, it comes across as an excuse to avoid the expected clinch. Actually, he seems in a thoroughly bad mood all round, since he's unusually rude to Robespierre (“Someone certainly sold you a lot of white paint” - I enjoyed that bit) and snappish with Illya when he's chained to the guillotine. Perhaps he was suffering from PMT. Meanwhile, Illya gets to engage in a more-masculine-than-thou shooting contest with Vogler (and we find out why he decided that black polo necks are a better fashion choice in his line of work). And in spite of Illya's opinion of Napoleon's French, Robespierre wins the bad accent competition on points for his pronunciation of “Charlemang” and “provocashon”. The bit with the bread at the end is presumably what they call gallows humour, ha ha.
Deadly Toys
Wow, Waverly explicitly uses Napoleon and Illya as honey traps. How much fanfic can this launch?? And Napoleon gets called “Nappy” for the second time, which begins to look suspiciously like canon. I notice that every time Illya is allowed to get romantically involved with someone, she's invariably as blonde as he is – I guess someone on the production team harboured Aryan fantasies about the master race. Humph. Don't like it when he kisses these barbie doll women{sulks}, although in fairness to Joanna she was pretty damn feisty chasing after those Thrush at the airport. And Illya did a wonderful flying somersault over the suitcases only to get socked on the jaw on landing. Hmm, he screwed up at the tower as well, shoving that guard against the only alarm switch on acres of wall. And he didn't manage to knock out the baddie with the plane in time to save Dr Wotsitshovsky. No wonder it's Napoleon who's the number one UNCLE agent in America. I was a bit disappointed that the genius child didn't come up with some fiendishly intelligent way of turning the tables on Thrush at the end, and if Angela Lansbury had chewed any more scenery she would have had to have a ham-o-suction, but otherwise it was an okay episode.
The Finny Foot Affair
This had the barmiest science I've yet come across in UNCLE, which is saying a LOT. People produce differing quantities of aging antibodies, which is why some die of old age when they're a hundred and others when they're TWO??? And the box with the dead seal is decontaminated before letting Waverly near it, and yet NS and IK take off their helmets and sit right next to it in a sealed helicopter? Oh yes, and the coast of Norway is “between two hundred and a thousand miles away” from the Scottish islands? Riiiiiight. And here was me thinking ye canna change the laws o' physics. Despite the extended absence of Illya – what a waste of good bullet wound, using it just to keep him out of the story – this was an enjoyable romp. Baby Kurt Russell is very good, the kids laughed like drains when Napoleon got “tricked” out of a date with his mother, and I quite liked “Wrong century, Jack”.
Project Strigas
I'd been looking forward to this one and it didn't disappoint. Shatner is surprisingly charismatic as Donfield – he looks better out of Star Fleet uniform, and is also not yet paunchy. I said to the kids “You won't know who he is. He was Captain Kirk.” “Really?” they said impressed, “Who's Captain Kirk?” After that I didn't bother to mention Spock, though personally I got a kick out of seeing Nimoy playing someone very dim. When he turned up in his final scene, smoking and smiling, Natasha said “He's gay mummy, isn't he?” Illya as the goon cracking his knuckles was completely laughable – I can only assume it was the shock of the knock-out blow he'd managed to deliver from flat on the floor that gave him any credibility at all. I can't help noticing that UNCLE in its early days is frighteningly willing to intervene directly in the politics of individual nations – here they're removing an ambitious politburo type from the scene, in a kind of political character assassination. No wonder Waverly wasn't that fazed by the events of Terbuf.
Dove
I LOVED this one, despite the shocking absence of Illya. It was gorgeously shot, though credit should probably go to the lighting man, who did wonders with steam and fog machines. The scenes on the bridge were so evocative, they made me want to read Cold War MfU fic set in Cambridge, with the college walls blackened by centuries of pollution and spies sheltering from dreary East Anglian rain. Satine was wonderful. He came close to hitting my narrative kink for bad guys who find themselves temporarily aligned with good, though he was a bit too sympathetic to really qualify, but I loved it when he sliced through the tie and sent Napoleon tumbling into the river. And I loved the complex political web he was weaving, with shifting loyalties and temporary compromises, and underlying it all a genuine loyalty to his country and his dead premier. Great stuff.
Mad Mad Tea Party
The Innocent was kind of bizarre in this one – Natasha asked quite seriously “Is she mental?” But I got a total kick out of Hemingway, who is one of those faces you've seen in a thousand Disney films and you can't remember any of them [ETA Oh my God, I've just googled him and he was Max Detweiler in The Sound of Music! No wonder he seemed so familiar.] He's such a wrangler, I got bitten by a serious plot bunny imagining him and Waverly in a prisoner of war camp twenty years previously. Riley was intriguing too – made me wonder what turned him against UNCLE. I liked the fact that UNCLE's team of bomb disposal experts were competent enough to have found the bomb on their own, though Napoleon's cunning psychological ploy for uncovering the villain wouldn't have worked if the device had used a conventional timer. Is the episode the sole source of the moniker IK, or does he say it elsewhere as well?
Hong Kong Shilling
Nice opening shots of Hong Kong. I take it that enormous guy is the one who ends up as Jaws in the Bond film? I thought they made better use of him here – there were several several casual shots when my jaw dropped at just how huge he was. Heavenly had clearly taken the old adage about Ginger Rogers - that she could do everything Astaire could but backwards and in high heels – to heart: she silently tracked one of UNCLE's top agents, chased after a fast-moving garbage truck, dived from a bridge into a river and dragged out two semi-conscious men, all in six inch stilettos. And she gave Napoleon a run for his money on the libido front as well, even if the object of her desire was someone other than him. Illya as Mr Unpronounceable Name from Ulan Bator was very funny. I suspect that was the best disguise I'll ever see on the series, certainly the budget for rubber masks had been drastically curtailed by the time they did Abominable Snowman.
Foxes and Hounds
I didn't much like this one. I was supremely irritated by the sequence where Napoleon finds himself in a topsy turvey world where Del Floria's is no longer the entrance to UNCLE HQ and Illya is canoodling with one of the female staff. In the end I decided it wasn't actually happening but was a mettyfor for how disorientated Napoleon was at being assigned a pick-up job with absolutely no information to go on. Otherwise my blood pressure shot up at the sheer stupidity of the idea – this episode clearly falls into the “Waverly needs to use up this year's budget if he's to get the same amount next year” fiscal category, rather than the “Agents have to chip in out of their own pockets” situation of Her Master's Voice. I note that Napoleon refuses to pay for his taxi, which suggests that UNCLE's finances are currently in reasonable shape. I kind of felt sorry for the Innocent, but oh how I hated Napoleon's magical kiss of sexual awakening. We all groaned loudly while it went on and on interminably, until Mimi signalled us with her eyes that she'd finally got in touch with her inner slapper. On the other hand, the episode did have Victor Marton in it and he's quality.
J is for Judas
This was quite intriguing, in spite of a distinct lack of sparkle, simply because it was fun trying to work out who was double-crossing whom, and also because I've rarely seen an episode, not just of MfU but of anything at all, so full of nasty people. Mr T Senior was the unacceptable face of capitalism, but T Junior and Dawson were almost equally horrible (I really enjoyed Dawson being unbendingly rude and then shooting Illya's suspect ) and even the good guy was a real chip off the old block when it came to social niceties. I also grudgingly gave the episode a point because the secretary's “I lov-” turned out not to be unnecessarily unsubtle exposition but part of a Cunning Plan. Napoleon, I couldn't help noticing, was constantly adjusting his clothing and smoothing down his hair. When I finally get round to doing that MfU vid to “You're so vain” 90% of the clips will come from this one ep.
Do-It-Yourself Dreadful
I see this was written by Harlan Ellison. I've never read anything by him and now I won't bother to.
The Ultimate Computer
Hee – this was FUN. Illya is bursting with gleeful energy all through the episode, evidently glad to get away from his desk for a bit of manual labour (perhaps it's the Soviet in him coming out). I kept expecting that cigarette to play a more significant role given that he hung on to it even when he changed out of his Speedy Gonzalez disguise. Salty sounds exactly like Julie Andrews, and she appears to carry hair extensions around in her handbag - I can't see how else she managed to produce a beehive from out of nowhere when she wanted to look more feminine. I suppose sounding like Julie Andrews is a prerequisite for being a leading lady with moral fibre, but though there was an element of How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria in the way she learned to get in touch with her emotions, she managed to see through Napoleon before it was Too Late (thanks, Illya!). I think my favourite scene was the one where Napoleon is wandering round the computer room clutching a piece of paper, which inspires him to burst into a huge chunk of exposition in the guise of chatting up one of the female staff – it made absolutely no dramatic sense whatever. I wonder if Waverly also hadn't told Illya that he was going to get someone to sabotage the power station, since he hadn't mentioned this part of the plan to Napoleon? And was the agent who Illya jumped at the beginning also part of the Thrush set-up? The guy who raises his head in the corridor after Illya blows up the fake computer looked a bit like him. Wheels within wheels...
Green Opal
Zzzzz... zzzz.... Oh, I'm sorry, was that a plot point? I must have nodded off. Zzzz... zzzz... cheetah... zzz... drugs.... zzz... zzz marriage guidance therapy...snore... Oh, is it over? Still, I don't suppose I missed anything much.
See Paris and Die
Oh my, a Thrush cosh that actually leaves a mark for a change. I don't think I've seen anyone look quite so impressively bruised in the entire rest of the series. But duffing up Illya aside, this episode had many other virtues. I really liked Mary and especially the byplay between her and the romantic old French flic (“Ah, ze old story! Ze pretty girl and ze dangerous young criminal!”) and the look he gave her when she tripped him up. Napoleon is such a bastard in this one, sticking mustard and ketchup in Illya's sandwich and then grassing him up to Waverly about overlooking the diamonds. I like him when the evil side shows a bit. “I do not represent American foreign policy” - ha ha! Was that a touch of ironic political commentary? Knowing that Illya deliberately puts on those nerd glasses when he wants to look unattractive adds a certain frisson to that particular prop – I shall watch out for their appearances with that in mind from now on.
The Tigers Are Coming
Illya is very athletic in this one. He runs and jumps and climbs and swims and thumps people. Napoleon mostly lurks behind boxes, occasionally whacking someone over the head with the butt of a rifle. Illya also wears a shirt almost open to the waist which subsequently gets soaking wet and see-through
(leading to one of Napoleon's wonderful “How do you get so unkempt?” looks ), so I deduce that the script was either written by an Illya lech, or at the behest of the screenwriter's wife. It was entertaining, though I wish that the natives weren't viewed as quite so disposable – even the ones who help Our Heroes end up dead – and I'm not sure that any nation would wish to join an organisation named The World Congress for Un(der)developed Countries. It would be like wearing a badge that says “My country is improverished, illiterate and technologically backward”. However, I approve in principle of UNCLE giving aid and comfort to the underdogs rather than just battling Thrush. And I felt sorry for the goats, too.
Children's Day
Coo, this one's a bit pervy. The Thrush school is rather a good idea – I liked Illya looking at his gun after the boys attacked them, realising, I assume, that it was no use because he couldn't use it against children. It would have posed UNCLE a real dilemma if Thrush had ever got round to using the kids in the field, as demonstrated by the little gang of deadly choir boys, who were far too small and sweet to shoot at. But still, I really don't want to know what relationship the scriptwriters had with their mums to dream up this one. Also, the model train fetishist should have been kept more tightly under control.
Virtue
Yet another professional spinster who's in urgent need of a damn good rogering to turn her into a real woman. Been there, seen that, got the t-shirt. However, in a unique turn-up for the books, Napoleon doesn't fancy poor Alberte at all. Even though he's evidently still giving off his usual pheromones, since she's all over him in her spinsterish way and relieved to hear he's not married, he resolutely refuses to flirt with her, and the lines that would normally be intended to charm are delivered in a half-hearted stop-distracting-me-from-my job sort of way. And when he remembers about Illya at the end, in what would normally be a humorous interruption to a Napoleon-smooching-on-the-job situation, it comes across as an excuse to avoid the expected clinch. Actually, he seems in a thoroughly bad mood all round, since he's unusually rude to Robespierre (“Someone certainly sold you a lot of white paint” - I enjoyed that bit) and snappish with Illya when he's chained to the guillotine. Perhaps he was suffering from PMT. Meanwhile, Illya gets to engage in a more-masculine-than-thou shooting contest with Vogler (and we find out why he decided that black polo necks are a better fashion choice in his line of work). And in spite of Illya's opinion of Napoleon's French, Robespierre wins the bad accent competition on points for his pronunciation of “Charlemang” and “provocashon”. The bit with the bread at the end is presumably what they call gallows humour, ha ha.
Deadly Toys
Wow, Waverly explicitly uses Napoleon and Illya as honey traps. How much fanfic can this launch?? And Napoleon gets called “Nappy” for the second time, which begins to look suspiciously like canon. I notice that every time Illya is allowed to get romantically involved with someone, she's invariably as blonde as he is – I guess someone on the production team harboured Aryan fantasies about the master race. Humph. Don't like it when he kisses these barbie doll women{sulks}, although in fairness to Joanna she was pretty damn feisty chasing after those Thrush at the airport. And Illya did a wonderful flying somersault over the suitcases only to get socked on the jaw on landing. Hmm, he screwed up at the tower as well, shoving that guard against the only alarm switch on acres of wall. And he didn't manage to knock out the baddie with the plane in time to save Dr Wotsitshovsky. No wonder it's Napoleon who's the number one UNCLE agent in America. I was a bit disappointed that the genius child didn't come up with some fiendishly intelligent way of turning the tables on Thrush at the end, and if Angela Lansbury had chewed any more scenery she would have had to have a ham-o-suction, but otherwise it was an okay episode.