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Another old fic being archived.
Warning: Morally Unreliable Narrator
Summary: Why in the world would anyone want to date a Thrush villain?
The One That Got Away
The memory still haunts him, I'm sure.
Haunts like a ghost haunts you, you know? Except without the rattling chains and white sheets, more the following you around when you’d rather it didn’t, and specially the whole reminding you of the past thing.
Not that I’m haunted by the past, no sir. I have a very desirable lifestyle, thank you, what with the bits and pieces I’ve managed to tuck away over the years. That gal in the movie wasn’t far off the mark, you know, when she sang that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. They sure do keep their value better than men. And getting a new one doesn’t mean you have to give up the old, which has always been kind of a problem for me when it comes to men. Like, I don’t have any trouble acquiring them, just keeping them. But the diamonds stick around, or at least they have done ever since I learned the trick of keeping them locked in a Swiss bank vault instead of leaving them lying around where they’d catch my eye every time I felt like a shopping trip. I’ve always had this need for luxury. I guess it’s because I grew up dirt poor. Like, can you believe it wasn’t until I moved in with Silvester Diabolo that I found out what a butler was? Gee, can you say naive??? But my mom always taught me to make the most of my assets, and luckily by the time I was 16 I had quite a few assets to make use of. I know it sounds like I’m kind of blowing my own strumpet here, but if you’ve got it, flaunt it, you know? And it sure was nice to have all these guys sniffing round me, offering me pretty much anything my heart desired. And over time I figured out that there was a whole world of things that I could desire that most of these guys would never have a snowball’s chance in heck of getting me. That’s why I started to exclusively date supervillains. Well, that and this thing I have for men with a mean streak – that just gives me the shivers, but in a good way, you know? A mean streak and limitless power is the best aphroditziac I know, and believe me, I’m kind of an expert in that field! Besides, those guys know how to give a girl the best presents. The only trouble is, they are soooo possessive. I don’t know if it’s some kind of mommy issue or what, but they just get so uptight if they catch you taking even a tiny little present off of another man. Which is totally unreasonable, because, you know, just accepting a gift from some Mr Nasty Guy doesn’t mean you’re immediately going to dump your present squeeze, right? Right!
So I got pretty smart at arranging my astrignations without my current guy finding out about them, which sure came in handy when I finally met the only male on the planet who could make me give up supervillains forever. I’m telling you, he was gorgeous! He had these amazing dark eyes, and these quirky little expressions, and a voice like a movie star, and he knew just how to make a girl feel special and wonderful and just a tiny bit bad. And of course he was totally in love with me – well, he was a guy, right? All I had to do was make bedroom eyes at him and he was all over me. Passionate, did I mention he was passionate? I tell you, this guy put the passion in passion fruit! He was a potential customer of Silvester’s at this demonstration Sly was putting on, some kind of super-weapon, I have no idea what - I never bothered my boys when they wanted to talk shop. Well, he said he was a customer, and he sure had Sly fooled, but his main interest was li’l ol’ me. He just couldn’t keep his eyes off me – and not just his eyes, either!! - and when we finally got some alone time, I let him know that his interest was reciprobated. Jeez, but that guy could do stuff with his tongue!!! He talked, too, which is more than most guys can manage – little things, you know, about me and my life, and how I’d come to shack up with a supervillain, and stuff. And he was real interested in my work for Sly, and how I practically ran the place really. I told him there wasn’t an inch of the castle I couldn’t get into, and he was majorly impressed. In fact, he was so impressed that he actually wanted me to show him round Sly’s dungeons, which let me tell you was not something just anyone could have arranged. There wasn’t really anyone down there at the time, just this little foreign guy Sly’s goons had picked up snooping or something, so I took him on a quick tour. And yeah, maybe the thought of getting him all to myself in that dungeon had something to do with it, because by the time we were down there, I was breathing pretty heavily, and not just from all those stairs.
Only then it all went wrong somehow. He couldn’t seem to concentrate on what we were doing at all, kept wanting to move further along the corridor, until we finally reached the cell where the snooper guy was locked up. He was happy to stop there all right, and for a while he nuzzled into my neck in, like, the most exotic fashion, until he suddenly shouted something like he was ill, and to get back, and then he flung me down on the floor with him on top of me. It came as kind of a shock, but in a good way, if you get my meaning, but I didn’t have time to say so because right then the earth moved, except this time not in a good way. There was this big ass explosion, with dust everywhere, which totally ruined my hairdo, and then the snooper guy came staggering out of his cell and they both took off down the corridor and I never saw him again.
Sly was kind of mad at me for taking an UNCLE agent down into the dungeons – well, how was I to know he was an UNCLE agent?! In fact, he got so worked up about it, I decided it was time to quit, so I took a helicopter right out of there. Turns out it was a good move, because a couple hours later the whole island blew up. I guess my guardian angel put in a little overtime that day, though I sure wish he’d been paying more attention when he let Napoleon Solo get away. I’ve never met another guy like him, though believe me I’ve tried, and I can’t help thinking that if only we’d had a while longer together, he’d have turned out to be the kind of fella who doesn’t leave you holding only the diamonds. Though sometimes I just can’t shake the feeling that maybe a guy who’d sooner run off with another guy than make out with a beautiful woman kinda has to swing the other way, if you know what I mean? And then I remember his kisses and I know that’s not true. My one constipation is that if I still find our brief encounter hard to forget after all these years, he must find it impossible. The memory of what might have been still haunts him, I’m sure, even after all these years.
Warning: Morally Unreliable Narrator
Summary: Why in the world would anyone want to date a Thrush villain?
The One That Got Away
The memory still haunts him, I'm sure.
Haunts like a ghost haunts you, you know? Except without the rattling chains and white sheets, more the following you around when you’d rather it didn’t, and specially the whole reminding you of the past thing.
Not that I’m haunted by the past, no sir. I have a very desirable lifestyle, thank you, what with the bits and pieces I’ve managed to tuck away over the years. That gal in the movie wasn’t far off the mark, you know, when she sang that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. They sure do keep their value better than men. And getting a new one doesn’t mean you have to give up the old, which has always been kind of a problem for me when it comes to men. Like, I don’t have any trouble acquiring them, just keeping them. But the diamonds stick around, or at least they have done ever since I learned the trick of keeping them locked in a Swiss bank vault instead of leaving them lying around where they’d catch my eye every time I felt like a shopping trip. I’ve always had this need for luxury. I guess it’s because I grew up dirt poor. Like, can you believe it wasn’t until I moved in with Silvester Diabolo that I found out what a butler was? Gee, can you say naive??? But my mom always taught me to make the most of my assets, and luckily by the time I was 16 I had quite a few assets to make use of. I know it sounds like I’m kind of blowing my own strumpet here, but if you’ve got it, flaunt it, you know? And it sure was nice to have all these guys sniffing round me, offering me pretty much anything my heart desired. And over time I figured out that there was a whole world of things that I could desire that most of these guys would never have a snowball’s chance in heck of getting me. That’s why I started to exclusively date supervillains. Well, that and this thing I have for men with a mean streak – that just gives me the shivers, but in a good way, you know? A mean streak and limitless power is the best aphroditziac I know, and believe me, I’m kind of an expert in that field! Besides, those guys know how to give a girl the best presents. The only trouble is, they are soooo possessive. I don’t know if it’s some kind of mommy issue or what, but they just get so uptight if they catch you taking even a tiny little present off of another man. Which is totally unreasonable, because, you know, just accepting a gift from some Mr Nasty Guy doesn’t mean you’re immediately going to dump your present squeeze, right? Right!
So I got pretty smart at arranging my astrignations without my current guy finding out about them, which sure came in handy when I finally met the only male on the planet who could make me give up supervillains forever. I’m telling you, he was gorgeous! He had these amazing dark eyes, and these quirky little expressions, and a voice like a movie star, and he knew just how to make a girl feel special and wonderful and just a tiny bit bad. And of course he was totally in love with me – well, he was a guy, right? All I had to do was make bedroom eyes at him and he was all over me. Passionate, did I mention he was passionate? I tell you, this guy put the passion in passion fruit! He was a potential customer of Silvester’s at this demonstration Sly was putting on, some kind of super-weapon, I have no idea what - I never bothered my boys when they wanted to talk shop. Well, he said he was a customer, and he sure had Sly fooled, but his main interest was li’l ol’ me. He just couldn’t keep his eyes off me – and not just his eyes, either!! - and when we finally got some alone time, I let him know that his interest was reciprobated. Jeez, but that guy could do stuff with his tongue!!! He talked, too, which is more than most guys can manage – little things, you know, about me and my life, and how I’d come to shack up with a supervillain, and stuff. And he was real interested in my work for Sly, and how I practically ran the place really. I told him there wasn’t an inch of the castle I couldn’t get into, and he was majorly impressed. In fact, he was so impressed that he actually wanted me to show him round Sly’s dungeons, which let me tell you was not something just anyone could have arranged. There wasn’t really anyone down there at the time, just this little foreign guy Sly’s goons had picked up snooping or something, so I took him on a quick tour. And yeah, maybe the thought of getting him all to myself in that dungeon had something to do with it, because by the time we were down there, I was breathing pretty heavily, and not just from all those stairs.
Only then it all went wrong somehow. He couldn’t seem to concentrate on what we were doing at all, kept wanting to move further along the corridor, until we finally reached the cell where the snooper guy was locked up. He was happy to stop there all right, and for a while he nuzzled into my neck in, like, the most exotic fashion, until he suddenly shouted something like he was ill, and to get back, and then he flung me down on the floor with him on top of me. It came as kind of a shock, but in a good way, if you get my meaning, but I didn’t have time to say so because right then the earth moved, except this time not in a good way. There was this big ass explosion, with dust everywhere, which totally ruined my hairdo, and then the snooper guy came staggering out of his cell and they both took off down the corridor and I never saw him again.
Sly was kind of mad at me for taking an UNCLE agent down into the dungeons – well, how was I to know he was an UNCLE agent?! In fact, he got so worked up about it, I decided it was time to quit, so I took a helicopter right out of there. Turns out it was a good move, because a couple hours later the whole island blew up. I guess my guardian angel put in a little overtime that day, though I sure wish he’d been paying more attention when he let Napoleon Solo get away. I’ve never met another guy like him, though believe me I’ve tried, and I can’t help thinking that if only we’d had a while longer together, he’d have turned out to be the kind of fella who doesn’t leave you holding only the diamonds. Though sometimes I just can’t shake the feeling that maybe a guy who’d sooner run off with another guy than make out with a beautiful woman kinda has to swing the other way, if you know what I mean? And then I remember his kisses and I know that’s not true. My one constipation is that if I still find our brief encounter hard to forget after all these years, he must find it impossible. The memory of what might have been still haunts him, I’m sure, even after all these years.